Why I’m afraid of ultrasounds.

I think I go into pregnancy mostly as a realist. Though I’m not sure that’s a common (or normal) thing or not?

Sure I allow myself to get excited about the baby and find my mind imagining what life will be like with a new baby… but in the back of my mind I’m always thinking ‘but anything could happen’.  (And then I quickly tell myself to stop thinking that, in case I somehow manifest a problem with all my thinking. Tell me i’m not the only crazy one who does this!?)

I know some women breathe that sigh of relief as soon as the ‘dangerous’ 12 week mark passes, yet whilst I know that is statistically the most common time to lose a baby, my heart knows it could happen at any time. I’ve had quite a few women very close to me lose babies at the halfway mark and I think once you’re touched by this tragedy you don’t forget it.

For one of those women I was at the ultrasound with her. I remember the silence. I remember watching as the baby was measured and not really understanding why the sonographer wasn’t saying anything.  And I remember that horrible moment when he said ‘I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat.’

I remember how I felt that day. But I don’t think it was until I became a mother myself that I had any inkling of what it would feel like to be told something is wrong with your baby. And still I’m sure the sick feeling in my belly and the overwhelming whole-body sadness that I feel when I think about it, barely compares to what it would feel like when you’re actually going through it.

But with every ultrasound and even the regular Doppler checks, I hold my breath until we hear the heartbeat. Each time I try to talk myself out of the feeling of dread, telling myself that it’s all going to be ok.

In some ways I kinda wish I could go into it all with total optimism but at the same time I think it’s a good reminder of just how fragile life is.  It reminds me to cherish the kicks and squirming, even when it means no sleep and constant toilet trips.  It reminds me to not wish away my time being pregnant in favour of finally meeting him.  It reminds me that he is already ‘here’. He is already a little person and is already a very much part of our family.