A new kind of pregnancy

My first two pregnancies can only be described as nothing short of ideal.  (If only I’d known how great I had it so that I could have appreciated it more).

I was very healthy.

I only had minor morning sickness.

I was 100% confident in my ability to grow a healthy baby.

The only discomfort I had was some pelvic pain with Rory from about 20 weeks but a sexy SI belt fixed that right up.

I practiced strong yoga right ’til the end of both pregnancies with no problem.

This one, after last week, and of course with the experience of the last two, is a whole other ball-game.

I’ve never felt so disconnected from my body before and so lacking in trust of its ability to grow a healthy baby.

I feel like I am waiting for bad news, for confirmation.

I visit the toilet 100 times per day to check to see whether the bleeding is worse or has it finally stopped?

I’m fearful of going too far from home in case the bleeding gets heavier again.

I’m afraid to move too much for fear of making anything worse.

My belly is tender and swollen.

Some days I feel incredibly sick all day long and feel mildly calmed by this sign of a healthy pregnancy, though the nausea makes me want to lie horizontal, eat all the food and not move too much.  Then the next day all sickness vanishes and I am left anxiously looking for any sign of it, while also wanting to lie horizontal to avoid over stressing my already stressed body and stress-eating all the food.  (Good times)

For someone who teaches other women to trust their body during pregnancy this is a particularly difficult experience, though obviously something I needed to learn.  (But seriously universe, I’ve had enough now thank-you-very-much.)

My body already feels sore and stiff from little movement in the last week. I feel tired in my bones, both from all the stress, the first trimester but also that sloth-like feeling that comes from lack of movement.

I have that first trimester daze going on where I can’t seem to focus on any one thing nor make conversation because I feel like my brain is constantly elsewhere, worrying about other things.

I wish there were a neat way to tie this post up with a bow.  I wish I could tell you I had the secret to learning how to trust your body again after you’ve lost babies and in the midst of a stressful pregnancy.  But I don’t have any of these answers, and yet I find myself still wanting to share this with you.

I’m trusting that it’s ok to be here, in the not knowing.  Maybe I will find the answers along the way, or maybe I won’t.  The only thing I know for sure, is that I will get to the other side.  That this experience won’t be forever. That one day all this anxiety and stress and worry will fade and that maybe I will struggle to remember what all the fuss was all about.

I can trust that this won’t last forever, after all change is the only constant.  Thanks for being with me on this particular ebb to the flow.