Why google has all the answers and none at all.
** Warning. This post is a bit graphic and talks of miscarriage which may be triggering to you. **
If you’re trying to get pregnant or currently pregnant, whether happily or nervously… I would like to suggest it is time to step away from the internet.
The problem with turning to google for advice on anything is that it will inevitably turn up the answer you are looking for.
I know, I know. Sounds excellent. Exactly what you wanted right?
Unfortunately no. It doesn’t find the answer to your question. It finds the answer you want to hear.
Google is the ‘too scared to tell you the hard truth friend that you turn to when you’re feeling doubtful and want to be pandered to.’
I know this because every time I’ve turned to google when I’ve had issues with pregnancies over the last year, he told me everything I wanted to hear.
The statistics said my chances of bad news were low so it’s going to be ok. Google didn’t prepare me for the fact that someone had to be the statistic.
Google told me there are thousands of women who’ve had the same thing happen to them and everything was ok. Google forgot to show me the results with all the other women who’ve had the same thing and it didn’t turn out ok.
Whatever your experience, there is someone out there who has had the exact same thing and it has turned out well. Or it hasn’t.
Interestingly, it’s only when things haven’t gone well for me and I’ve started looking for the other side of the answer that my searches showed up that option as well.
So now I’m less trusting of google. I’m better at searching for both sides of the coin and ultimately I can find every answer imaginable and therefore none at all.
So here we are. If you haven’t been following along on Instagram, I had some spotting over the weekend. I tried to stay calm and tell myself this happened in Eamon’s pregnancy too and he is more then fine. Monday morning though I woke to more of a gush (but in hindsight still not actually that much). I got in to see my obstetrician for a scan yesterday morning. I fully anticipated to be told the baby had already passed. (I’m now squarely in the camp of err on the side of the negative in order to now have my hopes completely obliterated by bad news. Sad but true.)
But there on the screen was a perfectly beating little heart inside a perfect little bean.
Relief. Disbelief.
We came home and had lunch. The sick feeling in my stomach that had been there all weekend was finally gone. Andrew left for work.
The bleeding worsened. It was just myself and Rory home. He is obsessed with the toilet at the moment because we are starting the toilet training journey and he screamed outside the door as I sat and felt like it was all over. There were some clots which was the most worrying part, but I was only in there for a few minutes.
I changed my pad and went outside to cry with Rory, ring my Mum and Andrew, and lie down. The bleeding was like a heavy period for a few hours then slowed and this morning is back to only light spotting.
I’m at a complete loss.* Is that it? Is it over?
Is the baby gone? Surely it couldn’t have happened so quickly?
Google tells me it is 100% that my baby could be gone, no pain and the fastest miscarriage in history. It also tells me 100% that I could go in to have another scan and we see the heartbeat of our baby, blissfully unaware of all the drama.
Yes it’s definitely time for me to step away from the internet for answers but I’m also at a loss for answers from elsewhere. My GP only works Wednesday and Friday and is impossible to get into. I can’t get a hold of my OB. And even if I did, do I want another scan? Perhaps that’s what stirred things up this time?
I’m unsure what I should be doing? Bed rest? Getting on with life and just seeing what happens? I feel like I can’t teach yoga because what if it worsens mid-class and in all honesty, yoga is the last thing I feel like doing. I guess it’s back to the couch?
So I’m stuck in the in-between. The wait and see. The put everything on hold and wait place. It feels like the worst place to be.
Cross your fingers for me that google is wrong, and right?