Dealing with due date anniversaries after miscarriage

I received an email recently asking for advice on dealing with due date anniversaries after miscarriage. It’s such a tough one to deal with and not something that I think I handled particularly well the first year after we lost Orion.

If you prefer to listen rather than read, watch the video below. Otherwise keep scrolling and I’ll try to summarise what can be a really difficult topic to talk about.

How I dealt with due dates after my first loss

After I lost Orion, I had the idea in my head that if I was pregnant again by the time his due date approached, then it would be easier to deal with. I knew it wouldn’t erase the pain I felt but it would give me something positive to look forward to. Unfortunately though, by the time October rolled around I had already fallen pregnant and lost again.

So not only was I grieving for Orion and struggling on the date that should have marked his birth, I was also grieving for another baby.

I didn’t mark the date in my calendar. I wasn’t even consciously aware it was approaching (I think I was lost in my own grief to notice anything at this point).

But one day I found myself feeling overwhelmed and incredibly emotional. I said to Andrew that I needed to go for a walk by myself and headed off towards the beach. I ended up sitting in the dunes and breaking down in tears. It wasn’t until I looked down at the yellow flowers next to me that I realised.

It was October. Only a couple of days from the date Orion was ‘meant to be’ born. I had tried to forget but my body and my emotions hadn’t. We’d scattered Orion’s ashes in those dunes a few months prior. Somehow without even thinking about it, I’d walked myself to them.

At that point I decided it was best not to try and push those feelings down and deny them (because they will always find a way out). Instead I started to sit with my sadness and despair over my losses and little by little it all became a little easier.

How to approach due date anniversaries after miscarriage

Find a meaningful way to commemorate your baby on this date

You definitely won’t feel like celebrating this date, but it’s important to find a way to honour your baby in some way. Every mother will be different in what she thinks is the way to commemorate her baby. Below are some suggestions I’ve heard from other women, but it’s important to choose what feels right for you.

Watch the sunrise.

Talk about your baby.

Take a moment in silence.

Say a toast to you baby.

Write to your baby.

Share a birthday cake with your family.

Visit the place you scattered their ashes.

Plan for these dates

It can be tempting to try and just get on with life (like I tried to do), but you’ll probably find your emotions will pop up anyway. Since that first year, I now plan for those important dates to make sure that I’m prepared.

I always feel highly emotional at these times and it’s better for everyone if I’m expecting these emotions rather than wondering why I’m feeling short and snappy with everyone around me.

Look after yourself before, during, after.

Don’t underestimate the amount of energy that grieving takes from you. Try not to expect yourself to just keep pushing on through your emotions. It’s okay to take time off from work. Rest as much as you need. Make sure you continue to eat well.

Plan to have time alone if that’s what you need. Or surround yourself with people if that feels better for you.

Try not to judge how you feel and just do your best to meet your needs at this time.

Those are my top tips for managing due date anniversaries after miscarriage.

How do you commemorate your baby?

Let us know in the comments below. You never know who it will help. Look after yourself. X

If you’re interested I’ve written a book on healing from the loss of a baby. If you’re in Australia you can buy a copy here. If you’re outside of Australia you can purchase via Amazon. I hope it helps you.