How a temporary separation saved our marriage
When our oldest boy was one we went through a temporary separation. It’s not something I’ve spoken about much here for obvious reasons. I’ve alluded to issues, but I’ve never been completely open about it in this little online space of mine.
In the spirit of being more honest in my writing this year, it’s something I feel I want to write about it. (Though I have to admit I’m a little terrified about hitting publish.)
Will a temporary separation save your marriage?
What a temporary separation taught us.
A strong relationship takes daily effort from both of you.
Not only do you both need to put effort in daily, but it needs to be in their ‘love language’. We weren’t completely neglectful of each other prior to the issues that bubbled up for us, but looking back we were both trying to give each other what we personally needed in terms of loving behaviour.
I was trying to give him the attention I wanted, rather than giving him what he needed. Our temporary separation forced us to re-learn what each other needed to feel loved and respected. We went back to that ‘dating stage’ where you are attentive and listening, rather than how we often become in a long-term relationship; complacent.
Ask for what you need.
Prior to our temporary separation I felt resentful that I had no time to myself, but I also didn’t ask for what I needed. Time away from our marriage taught me that I am responsible for me.
This probably sounds entirely obvious, but I honestly used to wait for Andrew to offer me a break, rather than just taking one. This also applies to all the work I was doing in the home. He helps, but in that first year with our first baby, I was overwhelmed with how much there was to do.
I needed him to do more, but I also needed to ask. He didn’t know how I was feeling because I’d never told him. He just thought that I didn’t like him very much anymore because I was always so snappy and short with him.
Space can give you perspective (and realise not everything is negative).
You NEED to make time for couple time once baby arrives.
Time apart is absolutely essential.
Listening more is always a good thing.
And so in that vein I asked Andrew what was the most important lesson he learnt from our temporary separation.
His answer?
The good things are really worth working hard for.
Amen to that hey?
Where to now?
If you’re struggling with overwhelm and resentment after having a baby, talking to someone can help. Book a 1:1 session with me here.
**Originally published on January 18, 2014**
I think it’s wonderful that you’ve shared this. It’s such an important thing to share the hard times as well as the good. Each and every thing you wrote is a good reminder no matter where we are in our relationships/
Amen! Nice Blog Bettina, great advice / life lessons here xo
Brave post. Looking back on things and knowing that they’ve passed is a great place to be. I think there is something in this that we can all take on board. And good things are really worth working hard for. Absolutely. X
Thanks Tracy. Xx
Thanks Bec. I hope others can get something from it. But mainly it is for me to remember and not forget these important lessons. X
beautiful, brave words. Thanks for the food for thought, a lot of what you have written here has been floating in my brain lately 🙂 It really is an ongoing effort, isn’t it? Ever-changing, too, as we all are. Have a gorgeous day, Sarah.
Thanks Sarah. I really appreciate you saying that. On-going and ever-changing definitely. x
Great post! Thank you for sharing your lessons. I’ve definitely learned that marriage can be A LOT of work… But it’s definitely worth it. 🙂
I somehow missed this post before…so glad that you did hit publish.
I have so much I want to say! Marriage is hard. And combining marriage and parenthood whist still nurturing yourself is even harder. But I agree…it is so worth working hard for!
We definitely need a catch up. Let me know when suits, I’d love to come down and you’re always welcome up here. x
Thanks Erica. I’m really glad that I shared, despite my hesitations. x
Thanks Lila. Yes I need to stop thinking that I can only share the good. Its a new year and a new change for me. x
Oh! Wow. I agree with Caitlin. Marriage is hard! Very hard. And yeah, babies are all consuming! I am with you on the often being hurt by my husband disagreeing with me. I feel like it is some sort of personal slight! Thanks so much for sharing this. I think we almost all go through times like this and whether we actually separate or almost do or whatever, it is so true that it is worth working at.
It is so very hard but so rewarding when u stick it through the hard times. Thanks for sharing xx
It’s funny that we feel that way isn’t it? We don’t expect everyone else to agree with us but we feel that they should. I guess it’s just about recognising that as individuals it is unrealistic to expect them to agree all the time, and us with them. Thanks for your support. x
And thank you for stopping by. x
I personally think too much and bottle too much up inside. I agree with every point you have made. Your words echo so many of my own actions
I couldn’t agree more – introducing children into your relationship sure does change things. It is stressful at times when the men go to to work and have no concept of what it takes to look after a child. Even though it may not be physically demanding, it sure is emotionally. Good on you for being so brave and hitting publish.
Amen to that! This list is good for all couples, Bettina. Happy and not-so-happy.
I hope it all works out well for you. x
I just discovered your blog, what a great post to read first. Adding kids to any marriage is so stressful, its something we struggle with all the time!
Thanks for stopping by Jordan, and thanks for the compliment. x
Thanks Maxabella, I do too. x
Thanks Peta, I’m really pleased I did, everyone has been so supportive. Yes they don’t understand but that’s ok, we have lots of other Mama friends who do. x
I’m a definite ‘bottle-er’ for sure. Slowly learning its best to just get it out and move on. x
Only just got to read this and so well written We read it together and it was like you had taken the words right out of Rod’s mouth. He recognised every point you made and I think that I too have to take a leaf out of your book and approach things differently. Thank you 😉
Thanks so much for this comment Ingrid. I really appreciate it. I’m so glad it is helping others and it certainly helps me to know that a lot of others feel and think the same way. xx
I loved this. especially after my post 🙂 I think the one about the words hurting but not being intended is so true. I have to remind myself that I know chris wouldn’t say things to purposely hurt my feelings and that a lot of times it is just miscommunication!
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