Why it FEELS easier second time around.

I may regret typing these words. And feel free to remind me when in a few months my sleepy newborn wakes up to his own potential for chaos and when the novelty wears off for the (almost) three year old.

But right now. In these very early days it feels so much easier than last time.

Last time I was processing a stressful birth. This time I feel strong after the birth. If I can do that – I can do anything.

Last time I didn’t recognise my body and I kinda felt a little bit let down by it.  Like it hadn’t ‘worked’ the way it was meant to.  This time, whilst I have to admit, I’m itching to get my strength back so that I can get back into my yoga practice ‘properly’, I know I will get there eventually.  I’m still too busy marvelling at what my body created to worry about how soft it is.

Last time I jumped every time Eamon cried, unsure of what he needed and not realising that all he needed was me. Last time I spent too much time over-thinking everything rather than just enjoying having a newborn.  This time I’m not really consciously thinking about what’s wrong when he cries. (It could also be that my brain is too mushy to hold a conscious thought!)  I just flow through the motions- change, feed, swaddle, cuddle and if that doesn’t work we go back to feed and cuddle until he finally passes out. Usually whilst also multi- tasking whatever Eamon needs who is much louder and more insistent that he gets my attention right now. (His new favourite phrase)

Last time I remember walking round in an exhausted haze.  This time I’ve only had a few moments where I’ve hit that point where you think ‘I. Just. Can’t. Do. This. Anymore’.  This one sleeps better (please let him stay this way – crossing everything and touching all the wood!). Or perhaps I’m just already used to being sleep deprived that it doesn’t feel so bad? Some nights I’ve had to get up to Eamon more times than Rory. Go figure.

Last time I was an obsessive clock watcher because I foolishly bought into the idea that we should be on some sort of schedule. This time I couldn’t tell you actually tell you when he naps or for how long.  In fact I couldn’t even tell you what he did today. I don’t wait around for him to wake up, the poor kid just gets carted around to whatever Eamon and I have on.

I remember last time I was always hanging for bedtime. Desperately waiting for that time where I got some space and time for me.  And because of this I would feel frustrated when it took multiple attempts to actually get him to sleep. This time it doesn’t really worry me when he goes to sleep. Instead I find I enjoy our time of the couch, feeling confident that at some point, he will sleep.

I think the common difference is the lack of thinking this time (which sounds terrible doesn’t it?!).  Maybe it’s just a lack of over-thinking.  Or perhaps its because this time I’m not expecting to be able to get anything else done in the day other than keeping little people alive.  Of course, I’m cheering when I do find time for something. (Anything) else. But I don’t expect it like I did last time.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that at the end of the day it comes down to expectation management and just being present.  These seem to be the common lessons of motherhood.

Did you find it felt easier second time around?