What renovating with kids is really like.

Renovating with children and/or whilst pregnant is extremely enjoyable… Said no one ever.

I am currently employing every yoga skill I have for staying calm amidst the total chaos that is our house and often my day ends up being a bit like this…

Wake up sweating from windows and doors that have been closed all night as there are still no security screens down stairs and toddler insists on being wrapped around your arm (best case scenario) or neck (worst case scenario).

Make coffee in kitchenette on the 20cm of bench space that is not covered with washing up drying from the night before, whilst attempting to breathe in the bump if anyone else wants to also make coffee and steps behind me. Remind myself not to feel angry at the person who wants to walk behind me as I do not actually own entire kitchenette space.

Drink coffee in outdoor area covered in sawdust and surrounded by power tools. Remind myself that sawdust is a good thing (it means progress is happening upstairs). Argue with toddler about why power tools are not ‘his toys’.

Make toddler breakfast. Make own breakfast in Tupperware container as only have 3 bowls out of boxes due to small kitchen space and all three are being used to hold leftovers in the fridge. Curse yourself for what seemed like a good idea 6 months ago.

Shower with toddler. Attempt to dress whilst also holding bedroom door shut with bottom. Try to think positively, at least we have doors even if they don’t close. Lose balance due to now ridiculously large belly. Attempt to maintain dignity as door swings open thanks to ‘helpful toddler’. Argue with toddler about why he cannot swing on the door like a monkey.

Spend most of the day stopping toddler running out the front to play in the dirt pile that is the front yard, or worse playing on the road. Argue with toddler about why he can’t play out the front by himself. Lock toddler in house as we no longer have a fence to keep him in. Spend rest of the day distracting toddler so that he doesn’t escape out of the laundry or garage door which he has now taught himself how to open.

Find motivation to complete odd jobs upstairs. Walk upstairs. Get to top of the stairs and feel dizzy due to low blood pressure. Sit on floor playing trains with toddler instead.

Try again to finish off odd jobs that need doing upstairs. Spend half an hour looking for tools that you have hidden from the toddler. Find tools and spend the next half an hour attempting to complete job whilst arguing with the toddler about why he can’t play with the hammer/ paintbrush/ drill. Try to convince toddler that show on the iPad is more interesting than renovating. Give up on completing odd jobs and hide tools so toddler can’t find them.

Decide to clean up renovating mess instead. Sweep floor. Go find dustpan and brush to clean up pile of dirt. Find toddler has helped and floor now looks exactly the same as it did before you swept. Remind self that dirt and sawdust means progress.

Notice that toddler has also decorated freshly painted walls with dirty handprints. Sigh. Resign self to the fact that at least they match the floor.

Give up on renovating. Feel sorry for self that big pregnant belly and small sidekick that means you are basically useless when it comes to renovating.

Go find husband to see what he is up to. Find he has destroyed fence, ripped up deck, built half a kitchen, organised 4 different tradies to arrive next week, done a dump run and sold some old timber on gumtree.

Resign self to the fact that your role is now food and drink preparation and toddler duty.

Take photos of progress husband has made so that you can claim ‘we are renovating’.

#thankgodforhandyhusbands