What you need to know about real love.

It’s funny. When I think back to the person I was when I got married, even before then; when I first fell in love, I have to laugh at how naive I was about… well… everything really.

Whilst I’d love to whisper in that girl’s ear a few words of wisdom, the reality is the place I was then was exactly where I needed to be. (I’m a little grateful that I wasn’t blogging then though, lord knows what embarrassing things I may have written!)  Although in saying that I look back on some of my posts from even a year ago, and whilst sometimes I cringe a little, I’m ok that moments in time are captured and what I wrote then is not necessarily what I believe now.  So maybe I would’t be so embarrassed by my pre-marriage self.  I guess I’ll never know.

Or I could just go ahead and share all the silly things I used to believe anyway. Why the hell not, hey, it’s almost Valentines Day.  

Let’s talk about love. What I’ve learnt about real love and all the stupid things I used to believe.

I used to think my ‘true love’ would;

+ make me feel special all the time

+ make me feel good about myself

+ know exactly what I was thinking and feeling without me ever say it

+ would know how to look after me (I’m blaming you Disney fairytales for spinning me the knight in shining armour fable!)

+ think in a similar way to me

+ feel the same about me always

+ would never hurt me

I know. SILLY … right?

8 years later. 2 kids. 2 house renovations. 1 temporary separation. And a sea change later…

I now know;

+ it’s my job to make sure I feel good about myself. No one else can do that for me. Sure other people can add to the feeling but it has to come from me first.

+ it’s my job to look after myself and I am perfectly capable of doing just that.  

+ if I want anything I have to speak up and ask for it.  Preferably in a straight to the point, no beating around the bush, no subtle hints kinda way.

+ the male brain works in a TOTALLY different way to mine and that’s ok (even though it can feel infuriating!)  We’re meant to be opposites and that’s kinda what I like about him most of the time anyway.

+ the way we both feel will ebb and flow like everything else.  Some days we’ll be madly in love, most days will be a friendly companionship and other days we won’t be able to stand the sight of each other.  And that’s actually completely normal.

+ we will be forever learning and changing and growing, both as individuals and as a couple and can only hope it is in a way that is compatible with each other. Forever is not a given.

+ we will both probably hurt each other countless times. I’ve heard it said that we attract the partner we need to push us to grow.  That they hold the mirror up for us to examine ourselves.  So true.

And finally… I now know that the best  gift I can give my love this valentines day and every day after is:

+ being someone who knows how to love herself

+ being someone who knows how to make herself happy and even on days when this is harder than normal, is brave enough to just call it as it is without resorting to blame.

+ being someone who follows her own dreams and passions and ASKS for support needed to make these happen

+ being someone who just accepts our differences and is present enough to meet the challenges as they come

+ being someone who is always open to learning more about love and life and keeps learning always

So this Valentines Day… I hope you know how much you are loved. And that you can find the strongest love of all, that which you give yourself. x

What have you learnt about love?