Re-evaluating

I don’t think it’s possible to go through the last month that I’ve had and not do some re-evaluating.

I don’t mean to make it a laundry list of all the shit stuff that has been happening but for a while there the hole just kept getting deeper and I started wondering if we were ever going to get out.

My Grandad got really sick and went to hospital.

A close family friend of ours died very suddenly and shockingly.

I started bleeding … and all that ongoing drama.

It became clear that my Grandad wasn’t going to be getting better and instead we started waiting for him to find peace.

My Mum got sick and had to go to hospital.

We had the funeral for our family friend.

My Grandad passed away.

We said a very sad farewell to him yesterday.

Andrew told me that Eamon said to him the other day. “When is Mummy going to stop feeling sick and sad all the time?”, which pretty much broke my heart when he told me.

It’s funny, only a few short months ago I felt like I was really clear on what I was going to do this year. I wanted to focus on growing this little space and my online yoga studio. I was writing my book. I was filming classes and videos every week.  I was feeling really motivated to write and plan and create. I was busy.  In many ways, no less busy than when I was also working two days per week in a school as well as all this.  Stepping away from that part time work was supposed to create more space and ease, but all it seemed to do was create more reasons why I had to work harder in this space.  Which in all honesty, didn’t really feel all that good and took a bit of the fun out of it.

Yet suddenly, I’m struggling to remember the urgency I used to feel towards all of that. Which is not to say I don’t care about any of it and I’m giving up, but just that those feelings of needing to keeping moving, keep doing, keeping taking action is all gone.  I think I’ve realised that the timing of all it, actually even stressing about the if it happens part, doesn’t matter to me anymore.

I guess it’s just a total priority shift.  I feel like there are only a few things that really matter to me at the minute.

+ Doing all I can to keep this baby healthy (which pretty much consists only of remembering to take the eleventy-billion supplements my naturopath has me on, trying to deal with the anxiety, resting and trying to actually eat something green amongst my bodies desire for a diet of ALL the carbs and salt).

+ Doing the best job I can at home to not be the sad / sick Mum & wife that I’ve been the last few weeks.  My house won’t be the cleanest and the meals won’t be the most exciting, but I have just enough energy to make them feel good and loved, and at the end of the day that’s all they care about anyway. So I’m focusing there.

I’ve had a lot of people asking me recently If I am ok.  And I am, I really am.  Yes there is still the stress of it all, but I am allowing myself to just rest in the simple.  Life doesn’t need to be busy and complicated at the minute.  Actually maybe it never actually needed to be and I’m only just realising it now?

Either way, like a friend said to me today – one way or another the time will pass and soon you’ll be looking back on the last year and wondering why you were wondering how you’d make it through.

If you’re going through your own struggle at the minute. Try simple. Try letting go of any urgency or need to know where anything is going.  It’s a much nice place to live from.  Big love to you.  xxx