Why I quit alllll the things I was doing for fertility

After our last loss in March we took a much needed break from trying for another baby and instead I made it my goal to just focus on myself.

I wanted to feel like me again.

I wanted to get back to feeling strong and healthy, rather than exhausted and run down all the time.

I wanted to focus on just enjoying life again.

I went to counselling.

I saw a naturopath.

I went to regular (weekly at one point) acupuncture sessions.

I started journalling every day.

I fell back into regular meditation and yoga.

I started going to rebirthing session (conscious breathing that helps you to let go of all the emotional stuff that you store in the body)

I started charting my cycle every day to know where I was at.

And of course I worked through my happy list.

At first all of these things helped immensely.

The combo of the naturopathy, acupuncture and counselling helped unravel how much anxiety I’d been experiencing.

Rebirthing and counselling really helped me to feel the grief but to also find a way through it.

Acupuncture and charting helped me to understand my body’s fertility cycle a lot better – and my moods.

The herbs and supplements from the naturopath helped me to find energy again, and remember what feeling good actually feels like.

I gave up coffee because I realised it was fueling my anxiety.

I gave up gluten and cut down on dairy. I barely drank any alcohol anymore.

And then somewhere in those six months my focus changed.

I started feeling like I was wanting to try again.  But I felt incredibly fearful about it.

I felt like I was waiting for someone else to give me the ‘ok go ahead you’re good now, this time it will be fine’.  But instead I was still getting a big NO, especially from my acupuncturist because I ovulate ‘late’ (and the theory is this increases your risk of miscarriage because the egg is older once it is fertilised). Side note. I’m pretty sure my two healthy boys were also conceived on late ovulation … soo…

It was almost like I’d learnt TOO MUCH about how your fertility is affected by … well… bloody everything.

I’d started to forget that the whole point of all of this was to ENJOY life, not to stress myself out about all the things I was doing WRONG.

The appointment that tipped me over the edge was one I had with my acupuncturist. They had sent me for an AMH test, which basically tells you what your egg reserve levels are like. In hindsight I should have said no to this test, but I guess I just trusted that this was information that we (they) needed to know (yes I know foolish me again, for not being a better advocate for myself).

The GP who has to order the test even said to me ‘I don’t really understand why they are sending you for this one, you’re young, you’re going to try again soon so it’s not really all that helpful information.’

I should have listened.

The results came back that for someone my age I have low ovarian reserve. You can imagine how I felt when I got that news. So when I took that result back to my acupuncturist I expected that she would use that information in some way to change treatment, or perhaps explain what needed to be done.

Yet she dismissed it. She just said ‘oh don’t worry, that’s just what an IVF doctor would use to encourage you into treatment right away.’

UHHHH OKAY. Then why the flip did YOU send me for that test?

I couldn’t fathom how it was helpful for me to have more negative information in my head about my chances of having another healthy baby?

In the last 3 appointments the negatives had started to stack up in my brain.

Low ovarian reserve.

Super low iron / blood levels.

Had been painting with regular paint. Toxins bad.

I ovulate too late and we absolutely have to change that before you try again.

I don’t know. Perhaps there were positives said as well, but if there were, I don’t really remember them. All I could hear were the negatives.

I came home from the last appointment and cried to Andrew that I was just so tired of feeling like there was something wrong with me.

I felt strong and healthy.

I was in a really positive place mentally and emotionally.

I felt ready to start trying again.

But more importantly than that, I had come to a place where I was ready to go into it again with eyes and heart open. With full knowledge of how much pain and hurt I could be opening myself up to again, but willing to risk it all again anyway.

I felt like I could have these experts analyse all the physical symptoms in the world, but only I could assess the spiritual side of when I was ready.

So I decided it was time for me to quit.

I quit the weekly acupuncture.

I haven’t been back to my naturopath (though I still take all my supplements and eat pretty much the same).

I quit charting my cycle.

I quit everyone else’s advice and just focused on my own- yoga, meditation, looking after myself really well.

I quit beating myself up about doing things ‘wrong’. I would do my best at the physical stuff and pay more attention to feeling good and the positive.

Sometimes quitting feels really good.