Marriage separation – can it be good news?
Our marriage separation is not something I’ve spoken about much here. Yes I’ve alluded to issues but I’ve never been completely open about it in this little online space of mine.
In the spirit of being more honest in my writing this year it’s something I feel I want to write about it. (Though I have to admit I’m a little terrified about hitting publish.)
Marriage separation – can it save your marriage?
A strong relationship takes daily effort from both of you.
More to the point your efforts need to be in the right ‘language’. We weren’t completely neglectful of each other prior to the issues that bubbled up for us. But looking back we were both trying to give each other what we personally needed in terms of loving behaviour. Being apart forced us to learn what the other person needed to feel loved and respected rather than just giving what we ourselves needed. (SIDE NOTE – Love Languages – do yourself a favour and go read it).
I am responsible for looking after myself.
I am responsible for making sure I get the time I need to look after myself and for making sure I am physically and emotionally healthy.
It probably sounds bloody obvious to some of you but I swear prior to this I really did wait for Andrew to step in and say “I think you need a break, I’ll take the kid for a while”.
Or to step up and help with things that are seen as my ‘jobs’. Whilst yes he occasionally will now say that or surprise me with help, I have learnt that life gets too busy and (to be blunt) their brains don’t seem to notice thins the same way ours do. And that’s ok.
We are different for a reason. I just need to speak up when I need something and it is always given when I ask.
During your marriage separation try not to fall into the trap of thinking everything they do has negative intentions.
Just because we’re married does not mean we have to agree on everything.
Babies wedge themselves right between you as a couple.
Time apart is absolutely essential.
Listening more is always a good thing.
And so in that vein I asked Andrew what was the most important lesson he learnt from our marriage separation.
His answer?
The good things are really worth working hard for.
Amen to that hey?
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I think it’s wonderful that you’ve shared this. It’s such an important thing to share the hard times as well as the good. Each and every thing you wrote is a good reminder no matter where we are in our relationships/
Amen! Nice Blog Bettina, great advice / life lessons here xo
Brave post. Looking back on things and knowing that they’ve passed is a great place to be. I think there is something in this that we can all take on board. And good things are really worth working hard for. Absolutely. X
Thanks Tracy. Xx
Thanks Bec. I hope others can get something from it. But mainly it is for me to remember and not forget these important lessons. X
beautiful, brave words. Thanks for the food for thought, a lot of what you have written here has been floating in my brain lately 🙂 It really is an ongoing effort, isn’t it? Ever-changing, too, as we all are. Have a gorgeous day, Sarah.
Thanks Sarah. I really appreciate you saying that. On-going and ever-changing definitely. x
Great post! Thank you for sharing your lessons. I’ve definitely learned that marriage can be A LOT of work… But it’s definitely worth it. 🙂
I somehow missed this post before…so glad that you did hit publish.
I have so much I want to say! Marriage is hard. And combining marriage and parenthood whist still nurturing yourself is even harder. But I agree…it is so worth working hard for!
We definitely need a catch up. Let me know when suits, I’d love to come down and you’re always welcome up here. x
Thanks Erica. I’m really glad that I shared, despite my hesitations. x
Thanks Lila. Yes I need to stop thinking that I can only share the good. Its a new year and a new change for me. x
Oh! Wow. I agree with Caitlin. Marriage is hard! Very hard. And yeah, babies are all consuming! I am with you on the often being hurt by my husband disagreeing with me. I feel like it is some sort of personal slight! Thanks so much for sharing this. I think we almost all go through times like this and whether we actually separate or almost do or whatever, it is so true that it is worth working at.
It is so very hard but so rewarding when u stick it through the hard times. Thanks for sharing xx
It’s funny that we feel that way isn’t it? We don’t expect everyone else to agree with us but we feel that they should. I guess it’s just about recognising that as individuals it is unrealistic to expect them to agree all the time, and us with them. Thanks for your support. x
And thank you for stopping by. x
I personally think too much and bottle too much up inside. I agree with every point you have made. Your words echo so many of my own actions
I couldn’t agree more – introducing children into your relationship sure does change things. It is stressful at times when the men go to to work and have no concept of what it takes to look after a child. Even though it may not be physically demanding, it sure is emotionally. Good on you for being so brave and hitting publish.
Amen to that! This list is good for all couples, Bettina. Happy and not-so-happy.
I hope it all works out well for you. x
I just discovered your blog, what a great post to read first. Adding kids to any marriage is so stressful, its something we struggle with all the time!
Thanks for stopping by Jordan, and thanks for the compliment. x
Thanks Maxabella, I do too. x
Thanks Peta, I’m really pleased I did, everyone has been so supportive. Yes they don’t understand but that’s ok, we have lots of other Mama friends who do. x
I’m a definite ‘bottle-er’ for sure. Slowly learning its best to just get it out and move on. x
Only just got to read this and so well written We read it together and it was like you had taken the words right out of Rod’s mouth. He recognised every point you made and I think that I too have to take a leaf out of your book and approach things differently. Thank you 😉
Thanks so much for this comment Ingrid. I really appreciate it. I’m so glad it is helping others and it certainly helps me to know that a lot of others feel and think the same way. xx
I loved this. especially after my post 🙂 I think the one about the words hurting but not being intended is so true. I have to remind myself that I know chris wouldn’t say things to purposely hurt my feelings and that a lot of times it is just miscommunication!
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