How to heal your heart after a miscarriage

First of all can I say, I’m really sorry that you’re reading this article. I’m assuming if you’ve clicked through to this article, you’ve probably experienced a loss yourself or are really close to someone who has.

Welcome to the shittiest club you never ever wanted to be a part of. I wish I could wave a wand and make this magically better for you. I remember being in that place of utter darkness and looking for everything, anything to make it better. So if that’s where you are, I get it.

I’m wanted to make a video that could maybe help in some way. I know what it’s like to be looking for answers and feeling like no one can even give you any suggestions other than ‘give it time’. Gah! That’s so frustrating to hear, isn’t it!

In this video I share six practices that helped me when my heart was broken from losing our babies. After three losses in less than 12 months I was in a very dark place. We’d decided to stop trying and I was really struggling to feel any hope for ever having another baby, or even life anymore. 

None of these things were an instant fix. But each of them helped heal my heart a little more each time and I share these with you now in the hope that they may help you as well. 

Journalling

After reading Julia Cameron’s book The Artists Way I started writing morning pages each morning after I woke up.  She recommends writing three pages, completely unedited. While I don’t always stick to exactly this – this is mostly what I do. Writing for me helps me to get all the crazy out of my head and onto the paper. There is something about having to physically form coherent sentences about what I’m thinking that helps me make sense of myself.

I started with just writing a stream of consciousness, but eventually my practice changed to include more focused ways to direct my thoughts towards feeling positive and hopeful.

I would write a gratitude list.

Or write out a version of my ideal future, letting myself include everything that I wanted, even though my heart hurt to think that I may never get it.

I would write a list of things I wanted to ‘call in’ to focus on positive things I had to look forward to.

Or I wrote a list of positive things about myself.

I don’t think it really matters what you write, just write. Your heart will feel happier for it. 

Self massage

After losing my babies I had some really negative feelings towards my body. I felt like it had failed me. I felt like I wasn’t worth looking after. I felt like I was somehow broken. 

Self-massage was something nice that I could do for myself every way that really did help me to start appreciating my body again. I focused on my belly, because obviously that part of me was getting the majority of my negative attention. But if that’s too painful for you at first you could just start with your legs or arms.

After every shower I would take five minutes and just massage in some coconut and geranium oil.  Connecting it to the habit of showering meant that I never forgot and it just became a part of my day.  Whilst I gave myself a massage I also tried to think about what I was grateful for my body for. Carrying me through each day. Being able to hug my husband and boys. Being able to do yoga. At first it felt a little silly and unhelpful but it eventually helped me to change my thoughts about my body from feeling so negative to feeling hopeful and happy again. 

Movement

Movement can literally help shake feelings of grief from our bodies. It doesn’t really matter what type of movement you do, and some days will be different to others. Some feelings will need something gentle, while others will feel like they need you literally sweat and shake them out. 

I found running incredibly helpful. It’s so challenging for me that I literally can’t think about anything while I’m doing it other than ‘ouch this hurts’.  Running meant I could forget for a little while also doing something good for my body. 

Sleep

While it may feel like this one completely contradicts the previous point, both movement and sleep are important in equal measures.

Grief is exhausting. Living your day to day life while also feeling all the feels, battling the anger and the depression, literally zaps you of energy. Make sure you give yourself the grace to catch extra sleep when you can.

Talk

Whether you choose to talk to a professional or just a close friend or family member who understand, talking is so important for healing. We need to feel understood. Talking about what has happened and what we’re going through helps us to process these feelings and move through them.

If you’re feeling stuck in your emotions, start talking.

Channel your creative energy. 

Pregnancy is pure creative energy. You’re literally CREATING life. After my pregnancies ended I often found myself feeling like I had all this creative energy and no where to put it. I guess normally all of this energy would go into a newborn, but without my baby I found this energy became destructive.

It felt like a similar energy to when I’m pre-menstrual. It’s creative energy, but without a channel it becomes destructive. I start picking apart everything; myself, my relationship, basically everything was fair game. 

When I realised this I remembered that I do much better when I have a creative project to channel my energy into. For me it was writing. I channeled it all into my book.  Your creative project doesn’t have to be about your baby though. It could be something entirely unrelated; cooking good food, dressing yourself well, rearranging your house, gardening, painting.  Or you could choose a creative project that honours your baby; create a scrapbook, write poetry, make yourself a piece of jewellery to wear as a reminder of your baby. 

Choose something that feels right and good for you. 

So that’s it. They’re 6 things that I found really helped me after my losses. If you have other suggestions I would love if you’d add them to the comments so that others who find this post can see more helpful advice. We’re all in this together. 

I’ve written a book on healing from loss if you’d like to read more. If you’re in Australia you can purchase it here. If you’re international it is available on amazon.