How did I get here?

how did I get here

How did I get here?  I feel a bit confused.


Last I remember I was enjoying have two boys. I had everything I’d ever wanted.  A beautiful family. A house by the beach. Work I enjoyed.  Enough money to do the fun things we wanted to do. Support around me. Good friends.


I don’t remember deciding that a third child was a good idea for us? The before and after of that moment in time, now blur together and are indistinguishable from each other.  What made me come to that conclusion? What brought me to the point that decided our family wasn’t complete without a third?


Now it feels like we’re in too far.


I feel like I’ve spent the entire last year thinking about a third baby.  It makes me sad because it now feels like time wasted.  Time that I should have spent focused on the two beautiful boys in front of me.  Which of course, is not to say I haven’t.  They have certainly been by my side and front of mind the whole time.  But I feel like in some ways I’ve robbed myself of the enjoyment of that.  I haven’t felt complete within our little family.


I have a distinct memory of feeling complete in one moment before we lost Orion. I was putting Rory to bed (which consists of lying next to him pretending to sleep while he does gymnastics til he passes out from exhaustion).  I remember feeling overwhelmingly lucky for the family we had created. I had our sleepy babe within me, Eamon who was reading with Andrew in the other room and our crazy blondie practicing his somersaults.  Everything felt perfect. As if it were meant to be.


I’m now at a point I don’t recognise. How is it possible I’ve been through three losses? How is it possible that I have more babies lost to me than in my arms?  How did I arrive here?


Of course, I remember the journey.  It is burned in my heart and body.


I have constant flashbacks of various moments when I’ve not managed to fill every single moment with busy-ness.


An obstetrician saying to me after having repairs in theatre after Rory’s birth – “Don’t worry this doesn’t mean you won’t be able to have any more children.” I remember feeling confused at the time. This thought had never once occurred to me. It now stands out as something significant in time.


An energy worker I visited after losing Orion who said to me “He says, when you’re ready, he’ll send the others.” I now wish I’d clarified – will there be any more living children?


But at what point is it time to make a decision to get off this road? At what point do you put it all aside and say enough. What I have is enough. We are enough. Just our little bunch.  At what point do you know this decision is for you and not just one made out of fear of continuing to try…and fail.  At what point is it time to quit while you’re ahead, or not?


In many ways, we could still be just scraping the surface of this journey. We’ve had no fertility testing. I’ve only had basic testing to see what the problem could be (and they found nothing).  The potentially could be a very long road if we continue to go down it.


Is this a road we even want to be on? How did I even get here.

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