Here we go again…

here we go


So… here we go again.


I’m shocked to be here so quickly. In all honestly we weren’t actually ‘trying’ for another baby, though obviously, we also weren’t trying to not have a baby either.


Again, I’ve hesitated over whether I should share this news here.  Last time I wanted to keep it completely hush hush, despite having only recently espoused how BS I think the 12 week wait is.  I remember feeling that in some way I would ‘jinx it’ by announcing too soon.


But the not telling is just as unhelpful. Either way, telling or not telling, losing a baby is a hopelessly tragic situation.  People either know and you have to explain what happened. Or people don’t know and you have to explain why you’re no longer ‘yourself’ or why you’re so sad all the time. Or you don’t tell and explain anything and you feel detached and alone in your grief. So pretty much, it’s a lose, lose, lose situation.


So this time, I’m just going to be present with the whole truth of it and see how it plays out.  Writing and sharing our story is a big part of my life, so it feels honest to be sharing this here too right from the start. Either way I know I’ll have your support however it turns out and that’s what its all about, isn’t it?


So here we are.  I am pregnant again. Barely, just.  5 weeks by my guesstimate.  A third pregnancy in just under a year.  My fifth pregnancy altogether.  My body knows how to do this well now. I already feel uncomfortable with my yoga tights pressing into my belly.  I feel like I’m showing although it’s possibly just because after the second loss late last year, I lost any excess weight so there really is no where else for it to go now.


I’m equal parts terrified and hesitantly optimistic.


I’m exhausted down to my bones.


I’ve gone back to my GP this time.  The one who I saw throughout Rory’s pregnancy, but who I have avoided after our first loss. I can’t explain why I didn’t go back to her.  It certainly wasn’t my greatest idea to instead go to a random doctor who didn’t have English as a first language, and try to explain I was pregnant but please don’t say that word as I have two kids in tow, one who knows that word well, and I’m trying to protect him this time.


Perhaps I just had a bit of a mental block around her because she delivered the bad news that first time.  Or the start of it anyway.  I think maybe I just didn’t want to deal with the loss at all last time, like if I pretended it didn’t happen then I didn’t have to deal with the sadness and I could just pretend that this next pregnancy was a completely normal happy one.


Obviously the ‘avoid strategy’ didn’t work last time, so this time I’m just facing it all head on.  I went back to her this week and I had a big cry as she said all of the right things.  ‘Hesitantly positive’ are her words.  She decided they will be our mantra and I like that right from the start she has included herself in this process.  I realise that I was really missing that support last time.


Last time I showed up to that random GP to get the confirmation and referrals.

I then went to another random OB (one who did the scan during our pregnancy for Orion but that I’d only met once) only to be given more bad news that there was no heartbeat this time.

I was then sent to the hospital to meet a random midwife who talked us through deciding on medication, natural or D&C.

We chose D&C which was performed by more random Drs.


I had about 1/2 an hour of support in the hospital in recovery by more random nurses before being sent home with the recommendation that I go back and see ‘my GP’ in the next couple of weeks.


Looking back I can see it really was the wrong decision to not have people on my side.  To not have a GP or counsellor who I can check in with before and after all of the testing that no longer feels routine. It feels HUGE and scary and I’m pleased that this time I’m not facing it alone.


So that’s where we’re at.  I’ve decided to share some video diaries this year and it felt like the right place to start with this new beginning as well.  Thank you for crossing all your fingers and toes for me that this beginning has a happy ending.



Bettina  xxx


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