Getting back on my mat after losing a baby

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I’ve been avoiding yoga. 

 

Here is a practice that I love, that I usually rely on in crisis and right now, it feels all too scary.  Too intimate.  Too quiet.

 

Instead I’ve been seeking the distraction of bad tv shows and keeping busy doing everything else, anything else.  The washing is done, the kitchen is clean, and all beds are made – a bloody miracle in my house, I’m telling you.

 

I’ve been avoiding being still or quiet because that’s when I can’t stop my thoughts drifting and inevitably the breakdown that follows – and that pretty much sums up why I’ve been avoiding my mat.

 

I’ve been on it once since losing him.  At first I felt good.  My body was sore and tight from the delivery and the too many hours I’ve spent afterwards crying.  I was holding the tension of grief in my body and it felt good to be loosening it up and starting to let it go.

 

But … you can’t let it go if you don’t feel it first and it wasn’t long before I collapsed in a puddle of tears on my mat.

 

Trust me when I tell you that Down dog is really hard to do when you’ve got snot running down your face.

 

I persevered for a few more minutes trying to twist out the kinks in my back but inevitably my awareness moved to my belly and how different it felt.  Not the typical postpartum belly I had after having Eamon and Rory, but a slightly swollen emptiness that seemed to be persistently reminding me of what, and who, we no longer had with us.

 

Only twenty minutes on my mat and I had stirred up a whole range of emotions that hung around for the rest of the day.

 

Anger – Why did this happen to us? 

 

GuiltWhat did I do wrong? Why did my body not make sure he was healthy? 

 

SadnessI’ll never see him walk, or run, or cuddle his brothers.

 

My usual tactics of distraction didn’t work and I was stuck in this state of emotional overflow all day.   I guess I needed it, the release, I don’t know?

 

I do know I wasn’t a very good mother that day.  Both boys tried to seek comfort from me, some assurance that I was ok, but I just didn’t have any to give.  Andrew did his best to keep them busy but they kept coming to find me, wanting to see if I was ok.

 

I didn’t do anything for them all day either, I was barely able to do anything for myself.

 

I know I have to go through all of it to get to the other side, whatever that looks like.

 

I know that avoiding it forever is not the answer, but how do you feel it and still function as the mother I need to be for these boys?

 

I know that I need to find the courage to get back on my mat and face whatever emotions I’ve been stuffing down.

 

But how do you let yourself feel them without also falling apart?

 

2 Responses to “Getting back on my mat after losing a baby

  • U grieve, cry, get sad & anger all at the same time whilst raising your babies & doing the dishes.. You’re a mumma and u just push through
    But u need time alone & quiet to feel it & grieve & comprehend & miss your little man & love your little man.. I don’t doubt our babies knew what was happening before we did but they still chose us 💙💙💙💙 and they still love us & always will ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    • Bettina Rae
      6 years ago

      This idea that they chose us is a big one isn’t it? I’ve heard it a number of times now and I find it very comforting to think that this was his journey. Whilst it may seem short to me that is all he was ever meant to have. Thank you for your words Jacqui. xxx

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