Does feeling hopeful about a pregnancy make a loss more painful?

I often get asked whether letting yourself feel hopeful about a pregnancy makes a loss more painful? Or whether feeling hopeful during the two week wait makes the arrival of your period more difficult to deal with?

I’ve even had women complain about my fertility meditations and the fact that I took them through a visualisation of a baby – because they believed it meant they felt more disappointment when they found out that they weren’t pregnant.

I’ve heard from women too terrified to connect with their baby during early pregnancy because they were so afraid that this might be another loss. 

I can only talk from my own experience, and unfortunately around pregnancy loss I have a lot of experiences to refer to. I believe it is better to be hopeful and to give yourself that time enjoying life; dreaming of a positive future, rather than imagining the worst before it even happens.

Why I think you should let yourself feel hopeful about a pregnancy and during the two week wait

I’ve gone through a pregnancy and loss where I thought everything was completely fine and it never even occurred to me that something could be wrong with my baby. I experienced 16 weeks with that baby thinking that I would welcome that baby into my family. It was my first loss so I literally didn’t have an ounce of anxiety over losing him. 

The loss of Orion devastated me. 

I’ve also gone through a pregnancy (following that first loss) where I was so afraid to let myself connect to the baby because I was afraid I would lose it.  I was terrified and anxious for 10 weeks. I played every worst case scenario over and over in my head for those ten weeks. 

At ten weeks we found out the worst case had happened. There was no heartbeat. This loss devastated me. 

I’ve gone through a pregnancy after loss where I let myself get involved. I felt the anxiety but I connected anyway.  I let myself imagine that baby in our family. 

At 12 weeks I miscarried that baby. I was devastated. 

Each time, regardless of how connected I allowed myself to be… the loss devastated me.  

The same is true for when I’ve been trying to conceive. Whether I let myself think positive for the two week wait or I tried to pretend I wasn’t hopeful, I was always disappointed when my period arrived. 

The difference in each of these experiences is when I let myself feel positive I gained those weeks with my baby feeling positive.  

I would rather be hopeful and allow myself to feel the joy and excitement than spend weeks rehearsing worse case scenarios in my head.

I share more on why you should allow yourself to feel hopeful and my experiences in more detail in the video below if you’d like to watch. BIG trigger warning though. I talk about loss and I cry – so if you’re a sympathy crier – maybe wait until you’re at home to watch.

If you’re looking for practises to help you to feel more hopeful, please come and check out my Online Yoga Circle where you’ll find meditations and yoga classes to help when you’re trying to conceive and anxious in early pregnancy.