Accepting changes

Last week I started this post on the changes of pregnancy and what I’m struggling with. I never had a chance to hit publish as we all came down with the flu and have been bed/couch bound since mid-week. It’s interesting how only a short time and a change of perspective can completely change the way you feel. I could have simply deleted this post from last week and moved on, but even though I feel very different this week, it’s still a part of my story so I decided to share it and some thoughts below on how my thoughts completely flipped.

I’m finding this stage of pregnancy the most difficult in how I feel about myself and my body.

The weight gain that doesn’t yet look like the beautiful round belly that is to come… the constant nausea that seems to only be satisfied with salt and carbs (mmm healthy)… the teenage-like break outs … combined with total exhaustion that has me on the couch more than the yoga mat has left me feeling … well, blergh. I feel clumsy, heavy and very unlike the usual me.

Yes I know the weight gain a completely superficial worry when you’re doing important things like creating a little brain, heart, fingers and toes, but it’s sometimes hard to remember this when I’ve tried on 5 different outfits of a morning, I’m sweating from a combination of exertion and frustration and each outfit either won’t do up or is so tight I feel like I’ve just eaten too much Christmas dinner.

I know it won’t be too long before my belly is noticeably pregnant and not just porky, my energy is actually returning and I’m hoping my salty carb obsession ends soon. In the meantime I’m just trying to accept these changes for what they are. To just roll with it and resign myself to getting to love elastic waisted pants again (thank god for the patterned soft pant trend).

And really it’s just another way pregnancy prepares you for Motherhood isn’t it? (or more specifically preparing me to mother a newborn again. – god help me.) Where your post-birth body feels a little bit strange and foreign, where your personal space is virtually non-existent and where you have to give control of your body over to a small demanding infant who has no regard for the clock.

How do I feel now? A bit ungrateful really. Here I was with a completely healthy body (albeit a bit of morning sickness), with a thriving baby inside me, complaining of not fitting into clothes!? Like that even matters in any grand scheme of things.

So what changed?

I got really sick with the flu and realised I had been taking my health totally for granted. Yes it is a changed clumsy heavy version of the healthy me, but really, still nothing to complain about.

Being sick for four days also meant I had a lot of time to do nothing at all. There was not much else to do other than think. With the number of women in my life who have experienced miscarriage or stillbirth or who have struggled to fall pregnant in the first place, I feel like the superficiality of the post above is laughable. I still believe the physical changes and discomfort of pregnancy are about preparing us for motherhood (which I why I’m still publishing how I felt last week) I guess the difference is that now I feel grateful for the changes rather than as something to endure.

How did I get so lucky?

My change of perspective is also because of a woman I’ve been following on Instagram.   I was originally following ameliakyoga as she posted amazing poses all throughout her pregnancy and it was interesting to see how her practice changed as her pregnancy progressed. Tragically Amelia’s little boy Landon was lost during delivery.  I cannot even imagine the heartbreak she and her family is feeling and yet she continues to post honest reflections of how she feels and how she is still choosing to view the whole experience as something that was meant to be, even if she doesn’t know why yet.  Rather than asking ‘why me’ she reflects on how lucky she was to have known Landon for the short time that they had him and I cannot get passed how strong and amazing this woman is.  

Has anything completely changed your perspective recently?