Thinking about trying again after loss

Normally when you think about trying for a baby you are filled with excitement and anticipation. You begin imagining what life will look like with another baby and mentally mapping out when the baby might arrive if you fall in the next couple of months.  You imagine how your children will welcome a new little one, how you will announce the news, how you will manage finances and time off work.

Normally.

Thinking about trying again after a loss is equal parts heartbreaking and exciting.  A thought that starts in a place of excitement quickly turns to despair when my mind and emotions jump to where we should be by now and who we are missing.  Where previously I was pretty tuned in to my cycle and where I was at each point during the month, now each stage of my cycle is just… another… reminder…

I don’t like thinking about the months that are passing and how close we are to November already. {Just FYI – probably don’t talk to me in early November – I’m already anticipating that I’m going to be a mess when my due date rolls around.}

Previously when we’ve tried for a baby it’s something we’ve spoken about at length; dreaming and planning.

This time it’s more of an unspoken wish, one that we’re open to happening at any time, but know that when it does happen, that it doesn’t necessarily mean the beginning.  It means the start of something, but not necessarily of a baby in our arms. It means the start of holding our breaths for nine months. It means the start of anxiety every time we go for a scan or check up.

For me it will also mean doing a lot of work to stay calm despite knowing that I’ll be feeling incredibly afraid.  I know it will be hard this time to connect, knowing that I will instinctively want to protect myself with an air of ‘we’ll wait and see…’   But also knowing if I do that and something does go wrong, that too will make me feel guilty, that I didn’t connect when I had the chance.

It’s very hard to answer the question now ‘do you want more children?’ I’ve been casually asked this a number of times in the last few weeks by people who don’t know.

When I don’t know the person all that well I just automatically say ‘yes we’d like three’ rather than going into the long emotional explanation that usually means the end of the conversation right there and then.  Step away from that woman who cries all the time …

But inside it hurts as my mind wants to start explaining ‘actually I already have three’ and then I feel guilty for not acknowledging him out loud.

I don’t have any life-affirming message for the end of this post. I wish I did.  I just wanted to share this journey. To acknowledge that opening yourself up again after losing a baby is really hard and messy and sad, but worth it anyway.  Just like the rest of life I guess.

Have you had another baby after a loss? Any words of wisdom for me?